Alex Gallagher: the ten funniest issues I’ve ever seen (on the web)

There’s no method of dressing it up or making it out to be a extra noble, onerous pursuit than it’s: I’m deeply on-line.

Within the decade and a half that I’ve been plugged into the mainframe I’ve more and more developed a regarding Pavlovian response to the web, whereby pleasure is analogous to no matter cursed content material my cyber-spelunking has managed to unearth that day.

Captivated, just like the canine I’m, salivating shamelessly as a faceless multinational company’s Twitter account posts the Bernie Sanders mittens meme, or a gang of millionaire celebrities group as much as sing a John Lennon track collectively, or a brand new spherical of passionate Twitter discourse erupts over whether or not or not charcuterie boards are a device of classism. Ring ring, the bell sounds, and my little dopamine bar is topped up. The clock resets.

Clearly, we don’t have time to course of any of that in a constructive sense right here and now. However, silver linings being what they’re, I can no less than present you a few of the issues which have made dwelling on the web for many of my grownup life a much less (or extra, as could be the case) nightmarish journey by way of the abyss. Take pleasure in.

1. Conservative lecturer DESTROYS SJW faculty scholar

I like Jeremy Levick and Rajat Suresh, a pair of comedians and writers who make quite a lot of very humorous, absurd content material collectively. The crème de la crème, in my thoughts, is that this video, which skewers the swathes of pro-conservative clips on YouTube through which we’re promised we’ll get to witness a masterly rightwing thinker obliterate a snivelling progressive worm by way of the ability of logic. Outline “particular mouse”.

2. Dueling Carls

There’s an ideal and storied lineage of web video constructed across the primary conceit that it’s humorous if you make voice know-how descend into suits of unintelligible screaming. Dueling Carls works on this quite simple premise however has an enormous and virtually instantaneous payoff. You’ll most likely need to flip your audio system down a bit for this one.

3. Pretend Tim Winton

Pretend Tim Winton is a present to Australian literature, a playful parody of the Cloudstreet creator’s fondness for larrikinism, the seaside, and coastal cities with horrible secrets and techniques. I believe the very best half about @timmwinto’s tweets are they actually don’t require any prior data of Winton’s work to be humorous. All you want is to open your coronary heart to the musings of a daily bloke who simply desires to put in writing his novels and journey his waves in a group reeling from a surprising crime that threatens to tear it aside.

Little bit of a ruckus yesterday when one of many boys fell asleep on the seaside and the remainder of us determined to construct a girl physique over him out of sand. Large mistake, we made it too stunning and now every of us has fallen in love

— Tim Winton (@timmwinto) October 11, 2019

4. Grimes’ being pregnant weight-reduction plan video

Harper’s Bazaar have a video sequence known as Meals Diaries the place they get celebrities to speak about the whole lot they eat in a day. Most of them are pretty boring – well-known folks attempting extraordinarily arduous to be relatable and lacking the mark fully. Digital musician and real weirdo Grimes makes no such try in hers, and it’s an absolute blessing. Highlights embody the revelation she ate nothing however spaghetti for 2 years, and the recipe for a very cursed dish she says she invented known as “sludge”.

5. Patricia Lockwood’s @parisreview tweet

Patricia Lockwood is a good poet and creator whose current guide No One Is Speaking About That is glorious, significantly if you’re Extraordinarily On-line. You may also know Lockwood from her highly regarded “You kick Miette” tweet. I can perceive why that’s the one which sticks with rather a lot folks, however the simplicity of this one, from 2013, makes it for me.

6. Bin Laden has received

It’s possible you’ll know Richard Dawkins for being a (pretty unbearable) atheist, however what you won’t know is that he’s additionally – fully unintentionally – a grasp poster. Simply this month he received gloriously dunked on after principally admitting he doesn’t perceive the purpose of Kafka’s The Metamorphosis . On this 2013 tweet, we witness Dawkins’ assertion that “Bin Laden has received” as a result of he needed to throw out a jar of honey at an airport. It’s sufficient to make you restore your religion in a better energy.

Bin Laden has received, in airports of the world on daily basis. I had a bit jar of honey, now thrown away by rule-bound dundridges. STUPID waste.

— Richard Dawkins (@RichardDawkins) November 3, 2013

7. Donald Trump claims to have overwhelmed Pokémon regardless of not “catching all of them”

Predictably, Donald Trump’s presidency prompted swaths of comedians to plan convoluted bits the place they impersonated him, from Sarah Cooper’s viral movies to Alec Baldwin’s SNL character. These have been virtually all horrible, one thing I attribute to the very fact there’s truly little or no comedy to mine from hammering residence the purpose that Trump’s views and insurance policies have been horrific, one thing so apparent it’s type of low-hanging fruit. James Austin Johnson takes a special course in his impersonations. As a substitute, right here is sort of 4 straight minutes of the previous President of the USA complaining about there being too many Pokémon.

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8. I see one thing Lynchian

This tweet by author and performer Walker Caplan has caught with me since I noticed it earlier this 12 months, and I’ve most likely referenced it in dialog half a dozen occasions. As a painfully cussed nightmare of an individual, “[getting angry and lying]” hits me deep in my bones.

me: Come fast. I see one thing Lynchian

spouse: Is it one other bug crawling within the dust

me: [getting angry and lying] No It is one thing else

— walker (@walkercapl) January 13, 2021


There’s no method I might write an inventory like this with out together with @dril – the OG, the king, the account that taught me I may very well be bizarre (on Twitter dot com). There are too many unimaginable tweets to select from, however this will get me each single time.


— wint (@dril) October 11, 2012

10. Hannibal Buress’ Morpheus

At this level in my life I’ve seen Hannibal Buress’ Morpheus skit from The Eric Andre Present a thousand occasions and it nonetheless makes me chuckle. There are few issues one will be really sure of on this random and perplexing hell world, however I do know with whole confidence that “seashells by the seashore-pheus” will reside in my mind rent-free for the remainder of my life.

Alex Gallagher is a author, journalist and poet who lives on the web. Comply with them on Twitter at @lexgallagher.

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